I like to move it, move it- making an entrance

Although I don’t like to admit it to be true, I enjoy being the center of attention. Apparently, I have enjoyed being the center of attention since I was a child. My mom tells of how if I was in my high chair and all the adults weren’t gawking over me, I would do this fake cough “Eh eh eh” kind of sound until someone looked at me.

Making an entrance...my welcome home  'party crew'

I don’t think I am quite that desperate anymore, though I still do seem to make myself the center of attention pretty often. Part of how I do this is by making an entrance…No I don’t wear fancy clothes, wear heels or yell when I walk into a room. No. I make and entrance by coming from far away or going far away, and I do it often.

Tonight (Saturday) our family celebrated my grandfather and I’s birthdays, which we share by one day. My aunt and mom had been preparing food and cooking for 2 days straight and were clearly tired. Usually we do brunch on Sunday and I asked if we were going to do that, even after this big dinner bash. My mom said “Oh yes, we have to do it, it will be your last Sunday brunch for awhile”. I think I said something like “Oh no we don’t have to just because of me” but secretly (or not so secretly) I love my last hoorahs. I feed off of the energy building up to my departure from one place to the next, and the excitement of my inevitable return. It motivates me to get things done and even take care of myself. When I know I will be going somewhere I start eating better, exercising, and cleaning my room

First birthday with my mom in 2 years

My constant comings and goings have become a source of tension with my mom during these months of her graciously letting me live with her, rent free. “Your ALWAYS leaving!” she says, or “Do you REALLY need to take another trip right before you leave for Nicaragua” I stare at her, dumbfounded and hurt, Why does she act like this is wrong? “I just feel like I should go”, I respond. But wise as always, she makes a good point. Do I REALLY need to take another trip??

Maybe not, but, you see, when I get anxious I find that, staying put makes it worse and moving makes it better. So when it gets to that point I start planning one. Even in Peace Corps, where being part of the community is so crucial, I often found reasons to leave at least once a month (or probably more). I just get…antsy, routines make me feel like a caged animal. I need to “move it move it!”

I am not sure if this is my 3rd culture kid-ness expressing it’s self through the relative freedom and indecision of a twenty something lifestyle. I don’t know. But I feel the push/pull mechanism that makes me want to be on the move, or have a plan to be on the move soon!

As my mom and I discuss my need to be on the move she claims it has not always been this way. That in high school there was more routine. But that was ok because there was travel built into the routine. I went to school at an American International school and played as many sports as I could. Volleyball, in the fall, basketball, in the winter, and softball, in the spring. I was by no means an excellent athlete, (international schools don’t tend to house star athletic teams) I did it because it was fun! We, also traveled, A LOT! And I LOVED it. I started traveling with sports teams in middle school. The system was that we would travel to other international schools to compete, such as Brussels, Paris, Hamburg, Düsseldorf, London, and to lower costs the opposing team we were visiting would “house” us. We would do the same for teams that visited us.

I still remember my first overnight trip. We went to Brussels and I was pretty scared, I missed my mom and everything was strange. I stayed with this girl who was two years older than me, her family was Indian, and their house smelled differently. All the different smells made me more nervous than I already was. I did not sleep at all and was sick to my stomach. (I said it was from the strange food, but I actually think we had pizza, and I probably was sick because I was so nervous). I talked to my mom on the phone the next day and I felt SO BRAVE, she said she was sorry it was so hard and that she was proud of me for making it through the night. And so it began.

I know that doesn’t sound like the brave young Alicia who wanted to do a semester abroad and join Peace Corps but with every trip I got a little bit braver and I craved the adrenaline more and more. At the beginning of every year each middle school grade took a one week overnight trip to a foreign country. Sometimes, I felt homesick (and sometimes I still do), but I also loved it (which I clearly still do as well)! In addition, my family had routine trips during the school holidays. During the winter break we would go to tropical places touring local markets, eating new foods, and spending a lot of time on the beach. In the summer we left our “home” in Holland and went “home” to visit family in the states. First, to my mom’s parents in Colorado, and then, my dad’s in Washington.

In university I quickly learned I wanted to GO explore new places! I signed up for study abroad in New Zealand, I took a trip to Nepal with my dad and joined the University of Toronto Outdoors’ club that took weekend trips to the mountains. Now it has been more about making my rounds to all the places and people I already love. When I left Nicaragua I already knew I wanted to go back there after Peace Corps but first I wanted to come “home” to the United States. I wanted to visit family and friends and places and food I had not seen or hugged or hiked or eaten in a long time. I didn’t even have time to visit all the people and places I wanted to.

And I know that once I am in Nicaragua, if my job does not take me out of my city for over a month (which it will), I will make an excuse of why I have to visit the Peace Corps office in the capitol, or why I have to visit some volunteer on the coast. I always come up with a plausible reason for going. While some people may look for ways to avoid the travel trips I look for reasons to take them, even if it is a big hassle (which, in Nicaragua it almost always is).

My Despedida dinner (goodbye party) in my community

I have been struggling with this guilt of wanting to leave, a lot recently. It hurts me to see how much it hurts those I love when I leave them.

The thing is; when I leave some people I love, I am always going to visit some OTHER loving group of people who are also going to be SO happy to see me. But it feels like no one (even me) is ever fully satisfied. It does make me the center of attention but at what cost?

When visiting my godson and his brother this fall he said to me  “When are you going to come live with us again tante?” It melts my heart. It is so sincere, I wish I could see him more. And I could, but I would have to stop all this moving around.

On my birthday card my grandma writes, we are only “lending” you to Nicaragua, we love having you here, come back soon!”

 I get an email from a dear friend that says “the CN tower and I miss you, come back to Toronto!”

To an extent I know this is just what people say to people they miss and that I should only do what I want to do- but what do you do if you want to be everywhere at once?

YOU GO, YOU MOVE, YOU VISIT, you leave people behind so that you can see others and then you come back again. Well, at least that has been my brilliant solution so far, and though it has it’s downsides, I do, for the most part, enjoy it.

 "welcome home drink"

I love “the love” of others, I love them missing me and asking me to come back. I love the; ‘welcome home’ dinners and the ‘it’s your last night in the country’ drinks, I love it all. People tell you how happy they are to see you, and then just when they are about to get bored of you, they have to have one last Sunday brunch, chicken dinner, trip to starbucks, extra hug, ect., because it is your last one. All these ‘lasts’ are exhausting for everyone and although they may miss you in a few weeks time, they are grateful that soon you will be gone and there will be less excitement here. But me, I take the excitement with me. I leave them here to recover and recoup and I go there for the celebratory “welcome home! We missed you! We love you!” and then just when all that there quiets down and I start getting into a rhythm, I start making my rounds somewhere else… the center of attention once again, look at me! I’m back or look at me I’m leaving!” and so it goes…

Goodbye Party with My Peace Corps Group

Evan and his dog, Jewel on our road trip to go visit Dad's side of the family in Washington

If it sounds to you like it is exhausting, it is. Sometimes I tire of it, but it is also super exhilarating. When I feel really whipped out, is usually when I am on route to another “home”. It is after the sad goodbye and before the happy hello. I find myself thinking “why can’t I just stay put? Wouldn’t it be nice to just stay put?” But then I get to the other “home” and everyone is so happy to see me and they have made my favorite meal and I’m re-charged. And the thing is, even if I do get tired of it sometimes (which I do) I never do choose to just stay put, I just can’t seem to get around to it, and I am not sure I ever will. To the people I love and have left or will be leaving, you know I will be back! I always come back even if it is just for a visit! Thank you for all the “welcome home’s” and always being so happy to see me.