I like to move it, move it- making an entrance

Although I don’t like to admit it to be true, I enjoy being the center of attention. Apparently, I have enjoyed being the center of attention since I was a child. My mom tells of how if I was in my high chair and all the adults weren’t gawking over me, I would do this fake cough “Eh eh eh” kind of sound until someone looked at me.

Making an entrance...my welcome home  'party crew'

I don’t think I am quite that desperate anymore, though I still do seem to make myself the center of attention pretty often. Part of how I do this is by making an entrance…No I don’t wear fancy clothes, wear heels or yell when I walk into a room. No. I make and entrance by coming from far away or going far away, and I do it often.

Tonight (Saturday) our family celebrated my grandfather and I’s birthdays, which we share by one day. My aunt and mom had been preparing food and cooking for 2 days straight and were clearly tired. Usually we do brunch on Sunday and I asked if we were going to do that, even after this big dinner bash. My mom said “Oh yes, we have to do it, it will be your last Sunday brunch for awhile”. I think I said something like “Oh no we don’t have to just because of me” but secretly (or not so secretly) I love my last hoorahs. I feed off of the energy building up to my departure from one place to the next, and the excitement of my inevitable return. It motivates me to get things done and even take care of myself. When I know I will be going somewhere I start eating better, exercising, and cleaning my room

First birthday with my mom in 2 years

My constant comings and goings have become a source of tension with my mom during these months of her graciously letting me live with her, rent free. “Your ALWAYS leaving!” she says, or “Do you REALLY need to take another trip right before you leave for Nicaragua” I stare at her, dumbfounded and hurt, Why does she act like this is wrong? “I just feel like I should go”, I respond. But wise as always, she makes a good point. Do I REALLY need to take another trip??

Maybe not, but, you see, when I get anxious I find that, staying put makes it worse and moving makes it better. So when it gets to that point I start planning one. Even in Peace Corps, where being part of the community is so crucial, I often found reasons to leave at least once a month (or probably more). I just get…antsy, routines make me feel like a caged animal. I need to “move it move it!”

I am not sure if this is my 3rd culture kid-ness expressing it’s self through the relative freedom and indecision of a twenty something lifestyle. I don’t know. But I feel the push/pull mechanism that makes me want to be on the move, or have a plan to be on the move soon!

As my mom and I discuss my need to be on the move she claims it has not always been this way. That in high school there was more routine. But that was ok because there was travel built into the routine. I went to school at an American International school and played as many sports as I could. Volleyball, in the fall, basketball, in the winter, and softball, in the spring. I was by no means an excellent athlete, (international schools don’t tend to house star athletic teams) I did it because it was fun! We, also traveled, A LOT! And I LOVED it. I started traveling with sports teams in middle school. The system was that we would travel to other international schools to compete, such as Brussels, Paris, Hamburg, Düsseldorf, London, and to lower costs the opposing team we were visiting would “house” us. We would do the same for teams that visited us.

I still remember my first overnight trip. We went to Brussels and I was pretty scared, I missed my mom and everything was strange. I stayed with this girl who was two years older than me, her family was Indian, and their house smelled differently. All the different smells made me more nervous than I already was. I did not sleep at all and was sick to my stomach. (I said it was from the strange food, but I actually think we had pizza, and I probably was sick because I was so nervous). I talked to my mom on the phone the next day and I felt SO BRAVE, she said she was sorry it was so hard and that she was proud of me for making it through the night. And so it began.

I know that doesn’t sound like the brave young Alicia who wanted to do a semester abroad and join Peace Corps but with every trip I got a little bit braver and I craved the adrenaline more and more. At the beginning of every year each middle school grade took a one week overnight trip to a foreign country. Sometimes, I felt homesick (and sometimes I still do), but I also loved it (which I clearly still do as well)! In addition, my family had routine trips during the school holidays. During the winter break we would go to tropical places touring local markets, eating new foods, and spending a lot of time on the beach. In the summer we left our “home” in Holland and went “home” to visit family in the states. First, to my mom’s parents in Colorado, and then, my dad’s in Washington.

In university I quickly learned I wanted to GO explore new places! I signed up for study abroad in New Zealand, I took a trip to Nepal with my dad and joined the University of Toronto Outdoors’ club that took weekend trips to the mountains. Now it has been more about making my rounds to all the places and people I already love. When I left Nicaragua I already knew I wanted to go back there after Peace Corps but first I wanted to come “home” to the United States. I wanted to visit family and friends and places and food I had not seen or hugged or hiked or eaten in a long time. I didn’t even have time to visit all the people and places I wanted to.

And I know that once I am in Nicaragua, if my job does not take me out of my city for over a month (which it will), I will make an excuse of why I have to visit the Peace Corps office in the capitol, or why I have to visit some volunteer on the coast. I always come up with a plausible reason for going. While some people may look for ways to avoid the travel trips I look for reasons to take them, even if it is a big hassle (which, in Nicaragua it almost always is).

My Despedida dinner (goodbye party) in my community

I have been struggling with this guilt of wanting to leave, a lot recently. It hurts me to see how much it hurts those I love when I leave them.

The thing is; when I leave some people I love, I am always going to visit some OTHER loving group of people who are also going to be SO happy to see me. But it feels like no one (even me) is ever fully satisfied. It does make me the center of attention but at what cost?

When visiting my godson and his brother this fall he said to me  “When are you going to come live with us again tante?” It melts my heart. It is so sincere, I wish I could see him more. And I could, but I would have to stop all this moving around.

On my birthday card my grandma writes, we are only “lending” you to Nicaragua, we love having you here, come back soon!”

 I get an email from a dear friend that says “the CN tower and I miss you, come back to Toronto!”

To an extent I know this is just what people say to people they miss and that I should only do what I want to do- but what do you do if you want to be everywhere at once?

YOU GO, YOU MOVE, YOU VISIT, you leave people behind so that you can see others and then you come back again. Well, at least that has been my brilliant solution so far, and though it has it’s downsides, I do, for the most part, enjoy it.

 "welcome home drink"

I love “the love” of others, I love them missing me and asking me to come back. I love the; ‘welcome home’ dinners and the ‘it’s your last night in the country’ drinks, I love it all. People tell you how happy they are to see you, and then just when they are about to get bored of you, they have to have one last Sunday brunch, chicken dinner, trip to starbucks, extra hug, ect., because it is your last one. All these ‘lasts’ are exhausting for everyone and although they may miss you in a few weeks time, they are grateful that soon you will be gone and there will be less excitement here. But me, I take the excitement with me. I leave them here to recover and recoup and I go there for the celebratory “welcome home! We missed you! We love you!” and then just when all that there quiets down and I start getting into a rhythm, I start making my rounds somewhere else… the center of attention once again, look at me! I’m back or look at me I’m leaving!” and so it goes…

Goodbye Party with My Peace Corps Group

Evan and his dog, Jewel on our road trip to go visit Dad's side of the family in Washington

If it sounds to you like it is exhausting, it is. Sometimes I tire of it, but it is also super exhilarating. When I feel really whipped out, is usually when I am on route to another “home”. It is after the sad goodbye and before the happy hello. I find myself thinking “why can’t I just stay put? Wouldn’t it be nice to just stay put?” But then I get to the other “home” and everyone is so happy to see me and they have made my favorite meal and I’m re-charged. And the thing is, even if I do get tired of it sometimes (which I do) I never do choose to just stay put, I just can’t seem to get around to it, and I am not sure I ever will. To the people I love and have left or will be leaving, you know I will be back! I always come back even if it is just for a visit! Thank you for all the “welcome home’s” and always being so happy to see me.

This one is for the ladies (or men who own bras)

Hi Girls,

If you have any old bras (in ok condition) that just sit in your drawer, can you send them to me? Yes. That is right. I want your used bras. I am calling it “Bras for a Cause-Girls Helping Girls” Catchy right?! (I’m sure someone has already coined it)

 

Where did I get this crazy idea? My good friend and mentor Kirsten  brought me some clothes to give away in my community when she visited me in March 2012. There was one bra in that pack, I casually mentioned it to a 20-soemthign girl in my community and she went Ga Ga over it. It was THE golden item, EVERYONE wanted it and asked me if I had more. This is probably because bras SUCK in Nicaragua, they don’t have support and the under wire is really poky.

I told Kirsten this story and she went on a bra-collecting rampage. She sent me a HUGE box of bras, ALL THE WAY to Nicaragua (that postage is not cheap). It was a huge successes. I was the star of the town for a day- as I walked by people would shout “Hey, save me a bra I am coming over tonight! I sold them for 2 dollars each (a great bargain) and used the money to pay the incoming postage tax and fund my Girls group activities (such as condom demonstrations, prizes, journals, ect.)

 

If we do it now, there will be no postage and no taxes because I am going back to Nicaragua on October 25^th to start my job with the non-profit Comunidad Connect.

So what do you say? Can you go around to friends, room mates/class mates, ect and collect up some bras to send me!? I think you can! GO! It doesn’t have to be a big deal, just send me what ya got. SOMETHING is always better than NOTHING.

It is late and I can't sleep thinking about this idea I have had for over a month stewing in my brain. So I'm sending this out into the web-universe without having my editor (aka my mom) look at it. If it was meant to be a hit, I will get some reply, if not...well the wheels are always turning!

Email me at aliciajaneharvey(at)gmail.com to get my mailing address!

Big Decisions

You know that thing people were posting on facebook for awhile about perceptions of certain careers? It had a series of 5-6 pictures for each profession and underneath it said; “what my mother thinks I do”, “what my friends think I do”, “what my boss think I do”, ect and finally "what I actually do". Well for all those offended by it, I would like to remind you that it is very nice that they at least think of SOMETHING when they think of what you do.

What to do? Friends and family try to be supportive; not ask too many prying questions about the process or make animated suggestions on what they think I could do. They say things like; “Your young! You’ll figure it out” hmmm REALLY? REALLY??? I am not THAT young, even under the new Obama care which takes into account adult children mooching off their parents for longer, I am not considered young enough to be a dependent of my parents.

What does “You’ll figure it out” even mean? “You will figure it out” or “someday you will do something and we will call that ‘figuring it out’?

I am sure that at 26 decisions are to be made. I am not sure they are BIG decisions, but they feel big. What makes them feel big is to see how, the work you do, the people you date, the friends you have, very much mould people’s lives. The other thing that makes them feel BIG, HUGE, GIANORMOUS is that, now, I have so many opportunities available to me (which I am thankful for).

 For 2 years I have learned to say phrases like “If God Wants it.” And “Such is life”, I have learned that life IS disappointing for the majority of the world, that people often do NOT fall down and get back up again, because of lack of energy, hope, freedom, independence, ect. That is not my reality, but learned that attitude and it made its way into my soul.

 I have been ‘home’ from Peace Corps Nicaragua for one month now and I have SEEN how many options there are, I have seen in how many different directions I COULD; ‘get back up’,’ get in there’, ‘work really hard and make something out of myself’. I spent the last 2 years trying to learn to accept the lack of options. and not to demand more. I thought this was overall a good thing for me. Be satisfied with what you have, don’t demand things from life. I thought these principles would stick with me. Then I went to Washington D.C.

In Washington D.C. I attended a career conference and they taught us how to do EVERYTHING right (i.e. resume, cover letter, handshake, interacting at a bar, waiting for an elevator, networking) they even taught us how to use the “right” vocabulary such as ‘in-transition’ instead of FREAKING OUT AND HAVE NO IDEA. Basically, how to get your ideal job (or let’s face it, any job really).

Even though I know they were in the right, there were times I think I felt they were saying- forget most of what you just learned. Unless it is a funny little anecdote, or fits into a 30 second elevator talk, or can be revamped into action verbs like ‘managed’, ‘supervised’, ect. Try to forget all that.

Dress differently, talk differently, and sleep less. Just network, focus on getting to know people you don’t know, who may not care to know you, but just keep writing them and bumping into them and selling your ‘re-vamped elevator speech’ where you widdle down a 2 year service into 10 seconds as part of a personal introduction. 

But, I admit, another part of me was really excited by the prospect of this new challenge. “ I can totally do this”, "I can write a resume, and make the subject line bold!”, "I can get business cards printed!", "I can certainly, talk to people I don’t know!”

Most analogies about this stage I am at in life,  have to do with being on a road or path. “Your at a cross roads”, “Find your OWN path”, “It’s a fork in the road”. I wish! On roads and paths there are usually limited options, limited intersections. I wish there were only 3-4 options. I would blindfold myself and twirl until my finger landed on a direction.

I must say my reality is quite different than a road. It is more like an airport and these phrases no longer feel sufficient to describe the chaos and panic that I feel at times, about what to do next. There are too many terminals, with multiple gates. I feel like I am watching all these people do cool things but I don’t have a ticket. I can’t decide whether I want to go to London with that trendy looking couple who just sauntered into a business lounge, or Disney World with that obnoxious family you are sure you would grow to love, or Hamburg with those Canadian backpackers who are always fun.

Don’t be fooled, usually I feel quite at peace in an airport, I know the ropes and I ALWAYS know where I came from and where I am going. But now, I just see all the options in front of me, I see the monitor with all those red colored words flashing gate information and I just stand there watching, uselessly,  trying to catch the info before it flashes away as quickly as it came. In the mean time, 3 new cycles of travelers have come and gone, seen their destination and headed towards their gate.

There is something about ‘knowing’ or feeling that everyone else has a destination, everyone else knows what’s up and, that makes the whole thing feel SO much bigger and so much HARDER. They all spin such good tales of their paths to success; living in garages, cleaning cars while doing unpaid internships on Capital Hill to ultimately work for the state department, or be the director of USAID, ect. When I hear it, I think “YES! I want to go there to!” But oh I haven’t gotten my ticket yet…

But why do these decisions seems so big and important? I always hear older, wiser people say “I wish I had known this” or “tried this” or “waited longer”, or “not hesitated”. So if ULTIMATELY I will just be saying those same things, WHY DOES IT EVEN MATTER? Maybe the truth is… these are big decisions but you will probably F*** it up so just DO something, because you have to account for your time. There is not space on the precious one paper resume under  EXPERIENCE for ; talked to a lot of people, got a lot of advice and THOUGHT about what I really wanted to do for 1 year while being unemployed and visiting family NO I think you need to fill this year with something you are ACTUALLY doing, whether you also think during that time is fine, but no one wants to see gaps of time for “finding yourself”. Well, at least they didn’t encourage it during the career conference, and they seemed to know what they are doing.

So should I worry so much? Should I call this next step a BIG Decision or is it just choosing a destination, knowing very well that I can purchase a different ticket later if it doesn’t work out. I don’t know, but I am sure some day when I am older and wiser I will say “well, when I was your age…”

Goergina Our Super Star

 

Dear Friends and Family,

I realize this update is much overdue, but I'm very excited to share the news that Georgina, the young nursing student in Nicaragua sponsored by friends and family, has surpassed all expectations!

Georgina is ranked 3rd in her class. She studies SO much. Before I left she had turned in her main project of the year, called a “documental”, kind of like a Nicaraguan thesis. She worked so hard for about 6 months straight. I have never seen Georgina so exhausted, She had to travel to a place called ‘El Cua’ which is a VERY rural area (way more rural than where I lived). She spent about 4 days a week traveling 5 hours there and back by bus with her 2 other group members. Then she still had classes on Saturdays and project deadlines. The topic was teenage pregnancy and awareness of birth control. It was a group project. Part of what they did was promote and educate young girls in rural areas on types of birth control, a very sensitive issue in Nicaragua, which is a very conservative country with a largely catholic presence. 

The coolest part of the “documental” for me was that Georgina herself learned so much. Georgina also comes from a very catholic family who lives in a very catholic town. Before I met her she had never seen a condom, nor did she really understand the mechanics of how one gets pregnant. This is part of the reason so many young girls get pregnant, lack of understanding. Georgina has not only had to LEARN all that stuff, she also HAS TO TEACH it to others. Who is better equipped to teach skeptics about the importance of birth control than a reformed skeptic?

Attending university has taught her so many other valuable life skills (as it always does). She has become more independent, learned how to use the Internet and email, and has traveled on her own. It has increased her confidence, she sees that if she works hard she can accomplish something with her brain, and that her value is not based solely on her ability to be a virgin bride. She has learned how to use the internet and even has email!

I am now in the United States (my life update below) She has been emailing me on her progress. She said that she is now in “practica” which I guess would be like residency here. She has started to see patients and tells me stories about how her and her fellow classmates have to practice injections and assist doctors. She says that everyone wants her to be the one to inject because she has a “steady hand, and does not get squeamish”. I can’t verify that all her classmates want her to go first, but she does have a steady hand, I watched her attend to her dad when he cut himself with a machete, and there was blood everywhere. She handled herself calmly and coolly (while I left the room). I think she does have a natural ability.

Georgina is doing well in school. I am very proud of her, as is her family. I am also very proud that together we made this possible. After my two years of service I still feel that of everything I did, this initiative has had the highest impact. I learned so much during my service but the biggest lesson for me was that the best way you can help is by supporting someone who wants to help themselves. We can donate food and clothes and build schools, but if people don’t want to do it for themselves our efforts are wasted.

Before I left, I gave Georgina money so she could pay her tuition in advance up to October because I was going to be leaving. We were sitting in her bedroom, there are two children size beds on either side of the room with about a yard in between. The beds are perfectly made the sheets crisply ironed (in her life and school work, Georgina is super precise). I sat on one bed and she on the other. We closed her wood slab door with the iron rod to bolt it closed for privacy (only her mother, father, and brother know about her scholarship-we did this two save face on both our parts, I couldn’t provide scholarships for everyone who asked, and she was embarrassed that she was getting help from me).

 I handed her the cash she glanced down and said “thank you” quietly, then she added “it gives me embarrassment accepting this money from you, it gives me embarrassment because I know that it comes form your grandparents, your aunts and uncles, your friends. These are not rich strangers with tons of money, they give money because they love you. I never want you or them to feel like I take it for granted. I will work hard to be successful.” Then she said, “I don’t know how to thank you. May God bless you” (they say that a lot). I swallowed hard (she always says stuff like this and it makes me uncomfortable). I said “I did it because I love you and your family has done so much for me, I don’t know what I would have done these two years without you and your family. I would have been so lonely and sad”.

As you can imagine we both shed some tears. We spoke about the journey of this scholarship. Which felt as painfully real to me as it did to her. We applied to two other scholarships one local and one from USAID before I thought of reaching out to all of you. Each time we were rejected she lost more hope and I got more frustrated. My mom so correctly said that in those two years was the first time I ever experienced “a door being closed to me”. In my life there had always been a way to make something happen, I may have had to knock on a lot of doors, but one always opened. Her life was the complete opposite. Nothing was ever open to her, as a single young woman from a poor family who lived in the countryside, there were not any doors even visible.

I provided the doors to knock on but all of you opened it for her. As she would say “Thank you and may God (or your higher power) bless you”.

On that note, costs for her studies have risen. She has more costs than I initially calculated because of all the travel she has to do for her residency and her materials (she had to buy a stethoscope, blood pressure gage, nurse’s uniform ect) for residency. In addition to those unforeseen costs, the local currency, the Cordoba has decreased even more and it is now almost 25 Cordobas to the dollar, as opposed to 23.5 Cordobas to the dollar, when I arrived. It now costs her $35.00 a month to go to school. Between her father and I we have shouldered the costs and she is now half way through her studies. I was going to continue to shoulder the cost myself, but a very wise woman said “Ask for more money!”

So I’m going to! As I hope you can see your investment has been successful! She is doing better than I expected in school and I have faith that she will continue to do so. Therefore, I will continue to accept any donations you would like to make. Any money that is not spent will be reported and returned (Don’t worry my mom is a good accountant).You can send them to:

Alicia Harvey

11008 Dreamy Way Dr. NW

Albuquerque NM, 87114

If you would like to contact Georgina (and can speak Spanish) her email is Georgina Palacios georginadejesuspalacios@gmail.com. If you would like to write her a note but don’t want to translate it. Email me and I will forward it on to her.

Here is a break down of where the money goes and her monthly costs:

$_8  - transportation for a month from __Sisle_ to _Jinotega__ for Georgina to go to school

$_20_-transportation for a month from Sisle to el Cua for her unpaid internship “residency”

$25__ - tuition for Georgina each month

$_13_ - school books, supplies

As for me, in September I accepted a part time position with a non-profit that is based out of Jinotega, the nearest city to my community. I am working with them on marketing and community outreach. Right now I am based out of New Mexico working from my mom’s house (thanks mom). At the end of October I will be going back to Nicaragua for 5 months to work with their volunteer outreach program. One of my goals is to continue my work with girls in some capacity. Since the position is only part time, I know that I can do it. I have the experience, connections, and now I will have the Internet capabilities. During my service my girls meeting was one of my favorite project. It was weekly and we talked about self-esteem, peer pressure to have sex, the costs of having a child, our relationships with our parents, and how to make friendship bracelets. Often, I danced around energetically trying to explain what the mechanics of sex are, why women are more likely to get infected with HIV, and how to put on a condom/ get a man to agree to wear a condom.

I WELCOME your thoughts/ideas. Actually, I NEED your thoughts and ideas on how to continue work with these girls.

From the bottom of my heart I thank you for all your support to both Georgina and myself. I love you all!