Big Decisions

You know that thing people were posting on facebook for awhile about perceptions of certain careers? It had a series of 5-6 pictures for each profession and underneath it said; “what my mother thinks I do”, “what my friends think I do”, “what my boss think I do”, ect and finally "what I actually do". Well for all those offended by it, I would like to remind you that it is very nice that they at least think of SOMETHING when they think of what you do.

What to do? Friends and family try to be supportive; not ask too many prying questions about the process or make animated suggestions on what they think I could do. They say things like; “Your young! You’ll figure it out” hmmm REALLY? REALLY??? I am not THAT young, even under the new Obama care which takes into account adult children mooching off their parents for longer, I am not considered young enough to be a dependent of my parents.

What does “You’ll figure it out” even mean? “You will figure it out” or “someday you will do something and we will call that ‘figuring it out’?

I am sure that at 26 decisions are to be made. I am not sure they are BIG decisions, but they feel big. What makes them feel big is to see how, the work you do, the people you date, the friends you have, very much mould people’s lives. The other thing that makes them feel BIG, HUGE, GIANORMOUS is that, now, I have so many opportunities available to me (which I am thankful for).

 For 2 years I have learned to say phrases like “If God Wants it.” And “Such is life”, I have learned that life IS disappointing for the majority of the world, that people often do NOT fall down and get back up again, because of lack of energy, hope, freedom, independence, ect. That is not my reality, but learned that attitude and it made its way into my soul.

 I have been ‘home’ from Peace Corps Nicaragua for one month now and I have SEEN how many options there are, I have seen in how many different directions I COULD; ‘get back up’,’ get in there’, ‘work really hard and make something out of myself’. I spent the last 2 years trying to learn to accept the lack of options. and not to demand more. I thought this was overall a good thing for me. Be satisfied with what you have, don’t demand things from life. I thought these principles would stick with me. Then I went to Washington D.C.

In Washington D.C. I attended a career conference and they taught us how to do EVERYTHING right (i.e. resume, cover letter, handshake, interacting at a bar, waiting for an elevator, networking) they even taught us how to use the “right” vocabulary such as ‘in-transition’ instead of FREAKING OUT AND HAVE NO IDEA. Basically, how to get your ideal job (or let’s face it, any job really).

Even though I know they were in the right, there were times I think I felt they were saying- forget most of what you just learned. Unless it is a funny little anecdote, or fits into a 30 second elevator talk, or can be revamped into action verbs like ‘managed’, ‘supervised’, ect. Try to forget all that.

Dress differently, talk differently, and sleep less. Just network, focus on getting to know people you don’t know, who may not care to know you, but just keep writing them and bumping into them and selling your ‘re-vamped elevator speech’ where you widdle down a 2 year service into 10 seconds as part of a personal introduction. 

But, I admit, another part of me was really excited by the prospect of this new challenge. “ I can totally do this”, "I can write a resume, and make the subject line bold!”, "I can get business cards printed!", "I can certainly, talk to people I don’t know!”

Most analogies about this stage I am at in life,  have to do with being on a road or path. “Your at a cross roads”, “Find your OWN path”, “It’s a fork in the road”. I wish! On roads and paths there are usually limited options, limited intersections. I wish there were only 3-4 options. I would blindfold myself and twirl until my finger landed on a direction.

I must say my reality is quite different than a road. It is more like an airport and these phrases no longer feel sufficient to describe the chaos and panic that I feel at times, about what to do next. There are too many terminals, with multiple gates. I feel like I am watching all these people do cool things but I don’t have a ticket. I can’t decide whether I want to go to London with that trendy looking couple who just sauntered into a business lounge, or Disney World with that obnoxious family you are sure you would grow to love, or Hamburg with those Canadian backpackers who are always fun.

Don’t be fooled, usually I feel quite at peace in an airport, I know the ropes and I ALWAYS know where I came from and where I am going. But now, I just see all the options in front of me, I see the monitor with all those red colored words flashing gate information and I just stand there watching, uselessly,  trying to catch the info before it flashes away as quickly as it came. In the mean time, 3 new cycles of travelers have come and gone, seen their destination and headed towards their gate.

There is something about ‘knowing’ or feeling that everyone else has a destination, everyone else knows what’s up and, that makes the whole thing feel SO much bigger and so much HARDER. They all spin such good tales of their paths to success; living in garages, cleaning cars while doing unpaid internships on Capital Hill to ultimately work for the state department, or be the director of USAID, ect. When I hear it, I think “YES! I want to go there to!” But oh I haven’t gotten my ticket yet…

But why do these decisions seems so big and important? I always hear older, wiser people say “I wish I had known this” or “tried this” or “waited longer”, or “not hesitated”. So if ULTIMATELY I will just be saying those same things, WHY DOES IT EVEN MATTER? Maybe the truth is… these are big decisions but you will probably F*** it up so just DO something, because you have to account for your time. There is not space on the precious one paper resume under  EXPERIENCE for ; talked to a lot of people, got a lot of advice and THOUGHT about what I really wanted to do for 1 year while being unemployed and visiting family NO I think you need to fill this year with something you are ACTUALLY doing, whether you also think during that time is fine, but no one wants to see gaps of time for “finding yourself”. Well, at least they didn’t encourage it during the career conference, and they seemed to know what they are doing.

So should I worry so much? Should I call this next step a BIG Decision or is it just choosing a destination, knowing very well that I can purchase a different ticket later if it doesn’t work out. I don’t know, but I am sure some day when I am older and wiser I will say “well, when I was your age…”